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Screen Africa's Agony Aunt tackles urgent questions
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Wed, 01 Feb 2012 13:39

QUESTION: Dear Auntie Scaffie

I am deeply, deeply upset and require serious counselling. I have just read in all the newspapers and on the Internet that no matric or qualifications or previous experience are necessary to land a top technology job at a broadcaster. Well, I qualify on all the above counts but you won’t believe what happened to me. I sent in my application to the first broadcaster I could find and they told me to get knotted. It’s not fair! I know absolutely nothing so therefore I’m perfect for the job! What can I do to rectify the situation? Please help me Auntie Scaffie!

Signed: Fully Qualified


Now do not fret my little lamb chop. No doubt someone somewhere sometime will require a person with just your total lack of qualifications and experience. And remember, while conventional wisdom says that anyone has the chance of slowly making their way up the corporate ladder by working extremely hard, it’s much quicker to cultivate chums in important positions. So, might I suggest that you work on your charm skills and then trawl executive hang-outs at every opportunity. You’ll be amazed at the results. And be encouraged by the fact that it is apparently possible to land a top job at a broadcaster in just three days.

Signed: Auntie Scaffie

QUESTION: Dear Auntie Scaffie

I am an upstanding, law abiding citizen. I fully believe in freedom of expression for all. As such I believe that I should be able to choose to watch whatever I want to watch on TV in the privacy of my own home. So I was all ready to sign up to the lovely bouquet of adult content channels that a local satellite broadcaster was about to offer and then, lo and behold, the bouquet has been disallowed by evil outside forces! I’m gutted. I’m distraught. My life no longer has any meaning. What shall I do?

Signed: Want-It-All


Well goodness me! How sad to see someone in such a bad way. I do genuinely feel for your loss of personal freedom to ogle. But, dear Want-It-All, take comfort from the fact that once you’ve seen one set of naked body parts, you’ve seen them all. And, even more encouraging, now at least you won’t run the risk of developing glazed, boggle eyes or be embarrassed to answer the front door when someone pops in unexpectedly. Further, there will be no chance of self-abuse running riot. While you sadly won’t be able to get the satisfaction you so deeply desire, you might be sufficiently diverted by watching normal TV programming that has an actual plot, proper characters and dialogue beyond ‘Oh yeah baby!’ Happy watching!

Signed: Auntie Scaffie

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